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A Small Amount of Humility

“True Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less,” C.S. Lewis


The clock is ticking. 
The noise should be constant. It should 
hit the beat all the time. But 
it’s tick, tick, tick. Then tick, tick – tick. Suddenly 
your heartbeat no longer lines up. 
You feel as though you’re dying by the second 
or half second. 
It really depends on when that tick happens. 
The bastard.

Feeling death or thoughts of dying 
is what we do after 40. 
We now balance whether this cheeseburger is worth 
that extra 30 minutes it’s probably taking from me. 
It is, by the way. 
In my last 30 minutes, 
I will be remembering all the great food I’ve had 
and forgotten meals 
consumed in front of the television.

People, in life, encourage humility. 
They tell you to be humble in sports, 
it’s only a game. 
They tell you to be humble to your family, 
they are the ones who love you 
whether or not you’ll ever improve. 
Be humble before God, 
because… 
Well I am not really sure and also 
fuck that.

When I die, 
I want people to be so shocked 
that they shut down 
like a soldier who developed PTSD 
as a child. 
When I die, I want there 
to be a service so grand 
that people wished they could have had an invite. 
When I die, 
I want it to create a hole so big 
that physics can’t fill it.

I want everything I’ve written 
to be read again. 
To children. 
Even the fuck words. 
Because you should only trust 
people who curse.

I want my stuff 
to have a presence on eBay. 
I want a fireworks ceremony 
so I can scare 
the shit 
out of my cats, one last time. 
I want to be the character 
everyone is pissed that are gone next season. 
I want a memorial bench 
so I can support you. 
I know I lacked this in the past.

When all we are given is 
a murderous teacher 
named time… 
When all we have is just 
really what we leave behind. 
It shouldn’t surprise you 
that I want some immortality. 
As much as I can have. 
Who’s selling it? 
Where can I buy it? 
You want to be loved in life. 
I want to be loved eternally.

I want you to remember me, 
smiling. 
Then laughing so hard 
that I make zero noise. 
I want you to remember how blue 
my eyes were 
when the sun finally came out.
​

I want that clock 
to hit the seconds 
like it’s supposed to. 
Every. Single. Time. 
My heart doesn’t like the spaces.
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